Shouldn’t have slept over. Shouldn’t have went to your bed. Or put your pajamas on. Should have stopped you from drinking. Shouldn’t have let you under the blanket. Or let you wrap yourself around me. Or kiss me. I should have taken care of you instead. I tried, I really did. And everything you said is still ringing in my ears. And me agreeing is making my stomach sink. And then it happened. All done. Can’t take it back. So I tucked you into bed. Sat in your chair. You slept. And I cried. I should have stayed in the other room. You shouldn’t have woken me up. I shouldn’t have gotten up. You shouldn’t have drank. And waking up in the morning, my entire being was sore. And everything hit me as I laid on your floor. The place I should have been from the start. Feeling just as embarrassed as you. If not more.

Being in Love With Two People at Once

I always had to be a secret.
Nobody could know.

It would get rid of the cool guy title and make people, including yourself, uncomfortable.
Because instead of the truth and instead of how you really felt you were worried about your cool guy title and not my feelings or how hard I was trying to get you to love me.

You can’t just use people and throw them away when you’re done. That’s not how it works.

You can’t call me beautiful or call me your princess or tell me that I don’t need to worry about anybody else and that you won’t leave me because if I’m not good enough for you, you are setting me up to hurt and intentionally inflicted pain and suffering should be a fucking felony because you made me want to die.

This is about two people. I was in love with two people, who just needed something to do- or better yet, someone to do.

One of you is wandering around the world. Literally. Making friends and meeting people and not thinking about me. Unless you’re drunk and horny again because then, then you will scroll straight to my name and hesitate to press send and realize I’ve moved on from you and you know even if you tried you would regret it in the morning. Because you never liked me, you just liked the idea of a "babe" girl in your bed who actually paid attention to you and sang along with you. You liked us cuddling and playing with your cat but when I opened my mouth and things spilled out that is when you didn’t like me or the idea of ever being us.

But that hurts the worst because you like the outside just not the inside and if I remember correctly it’s the insides that count.

You are hopping planes and setting up tables and forgetting about home and in turn, forgetting about me.

The other one of you is probably drunk.

Taking shots of fireball with your roommates to ease the pain of whatever troubles you dealt with today.
I knew something was wrong by the lack of communication and, well, cum.

I know I’m hard to deal with but I was trying so hard to make you love me.

I thought my heart melted when I met you, you can’t blame me for being so bitter.

You can’t blame me for hating Brand New because you know Jesse reminds me of you because of that stupid fucking tattoo.

You ripped apart whatever was left of me, which I'm sure wasn't much. But none the less, you know I would have cracked ribs for you even though you left me for someone else




I pray to a false god every day that this doesn’t happen to me again

I can't explain
how safe I feel in your arms,
how content I feel resting on your chest,
how sure I am that I will never not love you more than myself or any other person in my life

When my cheeks are covered with kisses and my body is covered in you I feel like a different person

For so long there was a part of me I didn't know I had laying dormant inside of myself until I felt you

And you fucked it out of me
(It's never going back)

I've loved so many people before you, but the difference is I can strip myself clean of everything everybody else knows me as and you'll still be curled up next to me, and you'll still be happy. And that in itself, the safe feeling I have at every moment of every day, is something so new and delightful and I will never leave you

I've loved so many people before you but I always knew that they would disappear just as quickly as they appeared but you will always stay and I know this because when you know, you know

And I know

You're sleeping next to me and I'm afraid to touch you

You're breathing out and breathing in, steady and slow

And I'm close enough to see the rise and fall of your chest

Close enough to reach out and just touch you but I can't because I'm afraid

I've already gone too far, crossed the line

I'm in your world, in your bed and the suns peeking through green curtains and dancing on your clothes

And how beautiful it is to be able to see this, see what you see every morning when you wake up, and to look into eyes that make you hold your breath and hope that the moment stays in your brain forever

But that's the worst part

Because eventually the eyes close and the head turns and the body once angled toward you turns away and leaves you alone, with nothing but the image of the person you love turning their back on you

Leaving you feeling like nothing could make things better and like nothing could make things worse

Because in love, things are dangerous

And people fall in and out of it

And people fall in and out of me

And I can't let anyone see anything, see what I see every morning when I wake up,

Because when you see what I see, when you see how I see, you leave

And you won't come back

You see

I have never felt what I am feeling, 

and I have never been in a position like this before

And I'm afraid

Because you've been here, many times, and I am new and unsure and wanting to ask questions

Questions you know the answers to but don't want to talk about 

And I know you've been here before but tell me,

What's different now?

You bought a girl a ring but she left you and she kept it 

And you spent $60 on flowers but she left and they died anyways

I just want to find a pumpkin, kiss you, and hide from you in a maze and try to jump out and scare you, even though in the dirt you could just follow my footprints to my hiding place anyways

You see, I just a box of chocolates on Valentines Day

Why not me?

Do you love me like you loved them or do you stay to have something to do?

Do you love me like you loved them?

I'm the one that is weak and I'm the one that can't do any better

Just tell me, do you love me like you loved them?

Will I get a ring and flowers and a box of chocolates on Valentines Day?

Do you see this ending the way the others ended? Because me, I will not leave you

All I ask is to be loved by you, 

and if it's not to selfish of me, to be more important than them

I've never been here before, once it happens so many times do we all start to seem the same?

Do we all feel the same?

Is there a huge gap in your chest at the thought of losing me, or was it like that for all of us?

Why can't I have what they had? 

Do you love me like you loved them?

I will rip out pages
I will underline the works cited and I will highlight the source
I will copy and I will paste and I will find out who is in charge

Because I am not in charge here, I'm not making decisions

I would not have loved you
I would not have fallen asleep with my feet on your lap and I would not have come to see you in this kind of weather, I've never been one to brave the storm

I will research and I will email and I will telephone anyone I can find who can be in charge of things

Someone has to be in charge of things

I would have never let myself kiss your shoulder
I would have never traced the lines of your stomach

I would have never let you love me and I would never love you

I would disappear into my mess of papers and highlights and underlines and yellow sticky notes


I would have disappeared before I ever let you near me

But if I'm in charge, and the work cited is me and the highlights and underlines and sticky notes led me straight to me...


Does that mean you're invisible too?